One of They Foard Vans

If you've seen the film version of Cold Comfort Farm (and if you haven't, you must), then you know what I'm talking about. And if you've seen my new car, you'll know that I'm prepared to drive the Quivering Brethren, all of them, anyplace they want to go.

Her name is Lulabelle (thank you children, for the consensus, and for not insisting on naming her "Girly-Bob"), and she looks exactly like this, but with windows and a fetching mauve stripe round her lovely flanks. She is, above all things, large. In fact, I'm not entirely persuaded that we need a house any more. Riding in Lulabelle is like gliding along in a moveable penthouse with the sound system kicked on, coffee at our elbows -- though of course there's no elevator, and you have to heave yourself up by way of what my friend Ana, who used to own Lulabelle, calls the "Oh Jesus" bar, as in "Oh, Jesus, help me not to fall backwards out of this van and split my head open on the driveway while the children watch helplessly, then argue over who gets to call 911."

Now, you may ask why a modest little family of six needs a 12-passenger van. My answer: have you ever gone anywhere in a 7-passenger mini-van with five other people and their earthly belongings? And while I myself of course am svelte and petite and take up no room at all, lately I've been noticing, when driving en famille in the Mazda mini-van, that some of these offspring of mine are beginning to seem awfully well-grown. Feed them nourishing food all their lives, and all of a sudden they're riding with their knees in their teeth. Add their friends -- and that's the other problem with mini-vans, that once even the little kids start to have friends, and meanwhile the big kids have whole communities of friends whose mothers have been giving them vitamins, too, you find that you can't take them anywhere. We routinely carpool with a family of nine (children; the adults are extra), and with friends like that, you never have just ONE other kid needing a ride to debate club.

Therefore we have Lulabelle, and as I drive down the road, I feel I ought to be stopping at every bus stop to take on passengers. So if you should need a ride anyplace, please do not hesitate to ask. I'm sure I have the room.